Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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