She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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