Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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