Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
