In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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