I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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