If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The beer is more important than you right now.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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