That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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