i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
