1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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