what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
