i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
