i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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