We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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