Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
