You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Thank you for not boning my boss.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
