Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
