i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
not ubering you a puppy
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
