so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
