He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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