The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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