Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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