This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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