She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
