I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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