I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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