so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
