that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
