he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Pants are for mortals
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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