Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
