Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
