Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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