Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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