Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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