Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
