By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
