I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
