on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
