i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
