im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
