The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
