I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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