There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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