Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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