You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
