he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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