I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
