i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
