Don't make out with my wife yet
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
