he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
